Meeting Yourself with Compassion: The 6 F’s of Internal Family Systems (IFS)

So many of us have learned to meet our inner world with judgment, pressure, or avoidance. We push down feelings that feel inconvenient and silence the inner critic by trying to “think positive.” We numb the parts that feel too much - the sadness, the shame, the fear, believing they’ll just disappear if we stay busy enough.

But deep down, you probably already know that doesn’t work.

The harder we try to suppress our inner world, the louder it becomes.

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, offers a different path that’s not about silencing or fixing ourselves, but about listening.

IFS helps us relate to the many “parts” inside of us - the anxious part, the inner critic, the people-pleaser, the angry one, the lonely one - with compassion and curiosity, instead of shame or control.

It’s based on the idea that we are not just our parts, but also the Self who can hold them all. From that Self energy that's calm, compassionate, curious, and connected, we can begin to understand why our parts do what they do. And when they feel seen and understood, they begin to relax.

One of the simplest, most beautiful ways to begin this process is through what’s known as the 6 F’s of IFS: six gentle steps to help you connect with a part of yourself and begin a healing relationship with it.

Let’s walk through them together.

1. Find

Start by simply noticing what’s happening inside.

What part of you feels activated right now? Maybe there’s a tightening in your chest, a voice that says “you should have done better,” or a wave of sadness that feels familiar.

Finding is about locating that inner experience - not judging it or analyzing it - just noticing that it’s there.

You might say to yourself, “Something in me feels anxious right now.”

That simple shift in language - something in me or a part of me instead of I am anxious - opens up space. It allows you to see that this part is not all of you.

2. Focus

Once you’ve found a part, gently bring your attention toward it.

You might close your eyes and notice where it lives in your body. Is it in your stomach? Your throat? Behind your eyes?

Focusing is about presence.

You’re not trying to fix it or make it go away...just bringing your awareness there, like sitting down beside a friend who’s upset.

Even a few moments of focused attention can communicate to your system: “I’m here. I’m listening.”

3. Flesh Out

Now, get to know the part a little better.

If it had a shape, color, age, or expression what would it be?

What emotions does it carry? What does it want you to know?

This step helps you flesh out the part’s qualities and role.

For example, your anxious part might look like a small child wringing her hands. Your inner critic might show up as a stern teacher standing over you.

By giving form to the part, you create a bridge, a way to understand it instead of getting lost in it.

4. Feel Toward

Now that you’re aware of the part, take a moment to notice how you feel toward it.

Do you feel curious about it? Irritated? Ashamed? Compassionate?

Your reaction tells you something important: whether you’re relating to the part from Self energy, or if another part has stepped in.

If you feel judgmental (“Ugh, I hate this part of me”), that’s just another part showing up - maybe one that’s tired of the anxiety or afraid of being seen as weak.

You can gently acknowledge that part too: “I see that another part doesn’t like this anxious one.”

The goal is not to push anything away, but to notice what’s happening with curiosity.

5. Befriend

Once you’ve found some curiosity or compassion, you can begin to befriend the part.

Let it know that you see it and want to understand it.

You might say internally, “I see that you’ve been trying to help me,” or “I know you carry a lot.”

Many of our parts developed to protect us from pain, rejection, or shame.

The perfectionist part may have learned that achievement was the only way to feel safe or loved.

The angry part might be guarding old wounds that were never acknowledged.

When we approach these parts with warmth instead of criticism, they begin to relax. They realize they don’t have to keep working so hard to protect us.

6. Fear (or Feel Its Fear)

Finally, ask the part: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do your job?

This question reveals so much.

It helps the part share the deeper fear it’s been carrying, often something rooted in old pain.

The overachieving part might say, “If I don’t keep striving, you’ll be rejected.”

The people-pleasing part might whisper, “If I stop making everyone happy, I’ll be alone.”

The angry part might admit, “If I let my guard down, I’ll get hurt again.”

When you listen with compassion, these parts begin to trust you.

They start to understand that there’s a Self, a wise, grounded, loving presence, who can care for them now.

Learning to Lead from Self

The 6 F’s are not another checklist; they're an invitation.

They teach us how to slow down and turn inward with gentleness, how to move from reacting to relating.

So often, women carry parts that have been working overtime for decades - the caretakers, achievers, perfectionists, fixers. They developed for good reason.

But they’re often exhausted, longing for someone - you - to finally see them, listen to them, and offer compassion instead of criticism.

As you begin to practice the 6 F’s, you might notice subtle shifts:

• The inner critic softens.

• The anxious part relaxes just a bit.

• The sadness feels less overwhelming when you sit beside it with curiosity instead of fear.

This is what healing looks like. Not getting rid of parts, but integrating them and cultivating a relationship with yourself that’s rooted in trust and compassion.

When your parts feel seen, your system begins to harmonize.

And from that grounded, compassionate Self you begin to lead your life differently.

You become the one your parts have been waiting for.

If This Speaks to You

IFS is a beautiful and empowering way for women to heal from trauma, anxiety, and self-criticism. It honors the wisdom of your system - the parts that protect, the ones that hurt, and the deep Self that knows how to heal.

If you’re ready to begin this kind of work, to move beyond coping and start cultivating true self-trust, I’d love to support you.

I offer online therapy in Illinois that integrates IFS, somatic awareness, mindfulness, and relational neuroscience to help women reconnect with their wholeness.

If you’re ready to begin this kind of work, to move beyond coping and start cultivating true self-trust, I’d love to support you. Schedule your free consultation HERE.