There is a story we’ve been told, whispered by our society or shouted by the inner critic within that we should be able to regulate ourselves, that we have the power to control our emotions, to “keep it together,” to heal our wounds on our own. This story speaks of independence, of strength found within, as if we are solitary islands, capable of weathering any storm through sheer will. It is the myth of self-regulation—the idea that we can and should control our inner worlds without needing help from anyone else.
Yet, beneath this narrative lies a quieter truth, one less often spoken but deeply known: we were never meant to heal alone. Our emotions, our very selves, are shaped and sustained by connection. This myth, though tempting in its call to personal mastery, overlooks the way we are wired as human beings—to co-regulate, to soothe and be soothed by others, to heal in relationship rather than isolation.
The Allure of Self-Regulation
The idea of self-regulation has taken on a life of its own in the world of mental health and personal development. In a society that glorifies self-sufficiency, being able to master our emotions seems like the ultimate expression of strength. We are taught from an early age that being “strong” means not showing too much emotion, not burdening others with our problems. In many ways, society encourages us to compartmentalize our feelings, to maintain a stoic front even when we are suffering inside. The myth of self-regulation whispers that we should be able to fix our own broken parts, to calm our own fears, to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders.
And so, we try. We try to push down the anxiety, to will the sadness away, to convince ourselves that we don’t need anyone’s help. We tell ourselves we just need to try harder, to meditate more, to exercise or journal our way out of emotional pain. When we succeed, we feel a fleeting sense of victory, but when we fail—when the feelings come crashing back, as they often do—shame creeps in. “Why can’t I handle this?” we ask ourselves, feeling as though we’ve fallen short in some fundamental way.
But the truth is, emotinal regulation isn't something we can -- or should -- do entirely alone.
The Science of Human Connection
Our brains and bodies tell a different story than the one the myth of self-regulation offers. Human beings are social creatures. Our minds are not closed systems. The brain is a social organ. The way we think, feel, and process our experiences is profoundly shaped by our relationships. We are wired for connection, not isolation. From the very beginning of life, we learn to regulate our emotions through the presence of others. Think of a newborn baby, who can’t yet calm itself when it cries. The baby doesn’t stop crying through sheer force of will—it stops when a caregiver holds them close, rocks it gently, and soothes them with a soft voice. This act of being calmed by another person is called co-regulation, and it is one of the most basic and powerful human experiences.
As we grow, we develop some ability to regulate our emotions on our own. But the truth is, our need for co-regulation never fully goes away. Even as adults, our nervous systems are still deeply responsive to the presence of others. When we are feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or emotionally flooded, having someone we trust nearby—a partner, a friend, a therapist—can help bring us back to a place of calm. This is not weakness; it is simply how we are built.
Scientific research on the brain supports this. Neurobiologically, our nervous system remains interconnected with those around us. When we feel connected to others, our brain releases oxytocin, sometimes called the “bonding hormone,” which helps reduce stress and promotes feelings of safety. Conversely, when we feel isolated or unsupported, our stress response systems (like the amygdala, which processes fear) remain heightened, keeping us in a state of emotional dysregulation.
In other words, the presence of another person can literally change our brain chemistry, helping us feel safer, calmer, and more grounded. Healing happens in relationship, not in isolation. The myth of self-regulation asks us to ignore this biological truth, to believe that we can go it alone, even though we are wired to reach out, to connect, and to heal together.
The Trap of Isolation
One of the greatest dangers of the self-regulation myth is the way it isolates us. When we buy into the belief that we should be able to handle everything on our own, we can fall into a trap of unrealistic expectations and self-criticism. We may be less likely to seek help when we need it most. In our lowest moments, instead of reaching out, we retreat inward, convinced that we are somehow inadequate or broken. Instead of sharing our burdens with others, we carry them quietly, believing that to ask for help is to admit defeat. Without the support of others, our nervous systems remain dysregulated, and the emotional distress continues to build.
Think of the times when you’ve been overwhelmed by grief, anxiety, or fear. How often did those feelings grow in intensity when faced alone, in the quiet spaces of your mind? And how often have you felt relief, even just a little, when a kind word, a touch, or a listening ear was offered by someone who cares?
This is the power of connection, the quiet miracle of co-regulation at work. It reminds us that we don’t have to do this alone, that our emotions are not battles to be fought in isolation but waves to be ridden together.
Therapy: A Sanctuary for Co-Regulation
Therapy offers one of the most profound opportunities for co-regulation. In the therapeutic space, the therapist becomes a calm, steady presence, someone who can help you regulate your emotions by simply being there with you. This is not a space where you are expected to “fix” yourself or figure everything out on your own. Instead, it is a space where your feelings are held, where your nervous system can attune to the safety and empathy offered by another.
In therapy, you learn that your emotions are not something to be conquered or controlled in isolation. You are reminded that healing happens in the presence of another, through connection, through the simple act of being seen, heard, and understood. In a therapy session, the therapist is not just listening to your words; she is engaging in a deeper, often non-verbal process of attunement. Through empathetic presence, soothing tone of voice, and compassionate understanding, the therapist creates an environment in which the your brain can feel safe enough to begin healing. This dyadic regulation—the interplay between two nervous systems—helps your brain return to a state of balance, reducing stress and promoting emotional well-being.
Over time, the therapeutic relationship helps you develop the ability to regulate your emotions more effectively, not through self-reliance but through the internalization of healthy relational patterns. This is the process of neuroplasticity —the brain’s ability to change and adapt in response to new experiences. Through repeated experiences of co-regulation in therapy, the brain begins to rewire itself, making it easier to manage emotions even outside of the therapy room.
Redefining Strength and Healing
What if, instead of seeing strength as the ability to regulate alone, we began to see strength in our capacity to connect? What if healing was not about building walls around our emotions but about opening doors, letting others in, and allowing ourselves to be held in our vulnerability?
True strength lies not in self-regulation but in our willingness to seek help when we need it. It is the courage to say, “I can’t do this alone,” and to trust that healing happens in the spaces between us. It is in the moments of connection, in the shared laughter, the comforting hug, the quiet understanding, that we find our way back to ourselves.
When we let go of the myth of self-regulation, we open ourselves to the beauty of being human—messy, emotional, and interconnected. We remember that we are not islands, but part of a greater whole, and that our healing is found not in solitary struggle but in the embrace of others.
Conclusion: Embracing Co-Regulation
The myth of self-regulation asks us to do the impossible—to heal alone. But our hearts and minds know better. We heal in relationship. We heal through the gentle co-regulation that comes from connection, from being seen and supported by others. The next time you find yourself struggling with heavy emotions, remember this: you don’t have to carry it alone. Reach out. Let yourself be held in the web of human connection. Because in the end, healing is not a solitary act. It is something we do together in relationship.
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