Emotionally Immature Mothers: Why the Relationship Can Feel So Hard in Midlife
You can love your mother and still feel hurt, drained, or unseen in the relationship. Lindsay C. Gibson describes four emotionally immature parent patterns: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting. In midlife, you start noticing how much you have set aside your own needs to keep the peace. Understanding these patterns can help you feel the grief, set boundaries, and decide what kind of contact feels manageable. Somatic, IFS, and attachment-informed therapy can help you explore these feelings and choices without rushing you toward a particular decision.
By Michaela Kozlik, LCPC · Licensed therapist specializing in perimenopause, anxiety & trauma | Illinois
It can be painful reaching midlife and realizing how much you still want your mother’s approval and understanding.
You may have stopped asking her for advice. You know which subjects to avoid and how to keep the visits pleasant. But knowing what to expect doesn’t always make it hurt less when she dismisses your feelings or turns a conversation about you into one about her.
Maybe you also remember the things she did for you and what she struggled with herself. Those memories can make it harder to acknowledge what was missing. You find yourself explaining her behavior before you have had a chance to consider how it affected you.
Now, in your forties or fifties, you may be looking at the relationship differently. You still care about her, but you are tired of setting aside your own feelings to keep the peace in the relationship you have.
Understanding emotionally immature parents can help you make sense of that tension and begin considering what you need from the relationship today.
What does it mean to have an emotionally immature mother?
An emotionally immature mother may struggle to make room for your feelings, respect your independence, or take responsibility when she hurts you. Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson describes four emotionally immature parent patterns: emotional, driven, passive, and rejecting. For some of us, recognizing these patterns can help clarify longstanding hurt and inform decisions about boundaries, contact, and support. The categories are a descriptive framework, not psychiatric diagnoses.
Your mother may be loving in some ways and difficult to reach in others. She might offer practical help but become defensive when you tell her something hurt. She might want closeness while struggling to accept that closeness includes disagreement.
Difficult interaction alone does not define the relationship. More useful question is: When something goes wrong between us, can we talk about it and repair it?
Can she listen without immediately defending herself? Can your experience be different from hers and still count? Can you say no without spending days trying to make things okay again?
In Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson describes four parent types. A parent may show aspects of more than one. The examples below apply her framework to relationships between mothers and adult daughters; you may recognize some and not others.
The four types of emotionally immature mothers
1. The emotional mother: You spend more time managing her feelings than sharing yours
The emotional parent is reactive and easily overwhelmed. Her mood may shift quickly, leaving people around her unsure what to expect.
As an adult daughter, you might rehearse a simple request before calling. You want to tell her you are spending a holiday elsewhere, but you are already preparing for tears, anger, or accusations that you do not care.
Eventually, the conversation becomes about reassuring her. Your original need gets lost.
You may even feel close to her because she tells you so much. But afterward, you realize she knows very little about what you are carrying.
In midlife, you may begin noticing how much energy this takes and how little you have left for yourself after everyone else’s feelings have been attended to.
2. The driven mother: You are doing well, but somehow it never feels like enough
The driven parent focuses on achievement, improvement, and meeting standards. Emotional connection can take a back seat to how life looks or what should happen next.
Maybe your mother encouraged you, invested in your education, and wanted opportunities for you. You can appreciate those things and still remember how rarely she asked whether you were happy.
Now, you share something you are proud of, and she points out what needs fixing. You tell her you are exhausted, and she offers another way to be more productive.
You may find yourself explaining why you need rest as though you are requesting permission.
Midlife can bring a wish for a different kind of life. Less proving. More choice. And with that wish, a question: If she is disappointed in my decision, can I still trust that it is right for me?
3. The passive mother: You remember her kindness, and you remember being left alone
The passive parent avoids distress and conflict. She may be easier to be around when things are calm but fail to offer protection or support when it requires confronting someone. This can be especially confusing if she was the parent you felt closest to.
Maybe she comforted you afterward but did not step in. Perhaps she asked you to be understanding, stay out of the way, or avoid upsetting the other parent.
Years later, you still want her to say, I saw what was happening. You should not have had to handle that. Instead, she asks why you are bringing up the past.
There can be grief in realizing that being the gentler parent did not always mean being the parent you could depend on. You can remember her tenderness without having to dismiss the times you needed more from her.
4. The rejecting mother: You learned to ask for very little
The rejecting parent is emotionally distant, dismissive, or hostile toward attempts at connection. A child’s need for attention or comfort may be treated as an irritation.
In adulthood, you might still begin a difficult conversation with, “It is probably nothing,” or “I know you are busy.” You make your need smaller before she has a chance to respond. Maybe you don’t tell her as much as you used to, but you still feel hurt when she doesn’t ask.
That can be hard to admit, especially when you have spent years being capable and independent. You may think you should have stopped wanting something she has rarely offered.
But understanding her limits doesn’t immediately remove your longing. There may still be a part of you waiting to feel comforted and held by her.
Why does my relationship with my mother feel harder in midlife?
Midlife can change what you notice, what you need, and how much energy you have available for familiar family roles. The relationship may have changed, or you may be recognizing a pattern that has been there for years.
You might be raising children and seeing how much care a child needs. Something you once dismissed as normal begins to feel different when you imagine your own child going through it.
Or your mother may be aging and need more help. You arrange appointments, return calls, and manage practical details while carrying feelings you have never had room to discuss. There may be love in that care, alongside resentment, sadness, or exhaustion.
If you are also going through perimenopause, you may be reconsidering several parts of your life at once. It is worth paying attention to your health and to the relationship itself. You do not have to dismiss longstanding concerns simply because they feel more intense now.
Sometimes what becomes harder is continuing to act as though something does not hurt.
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries with my mother?
If keeping your mother happy became part of how you maintained connection, setting a limit may feel like putting that connection at risk. Guilt can show up even when the limit is reasonable.
You know you need a shorter visit and still feel selfish saying so. You feel relief when a call ends, then criticize yourself for that relief.
Pause before treating guilt as an instruction. Ask yourself: Have I been unkind, or have I allowed myself a need she may not like?
The answer deserves some reflection. Sometimes we do need to repair something. Sometimes we need support tolerating another person’s disappointment without withdrawing a reasonable boundary.
A boundary might be:
“I can come on Sunday, but I need to leave by three.”
“I am not discussing my marriage today.”
“I can help with the appointment. I cannot be available every afternoon.”
“I am going to end the call if we keep yelling. We can try again another day.”
A boundary becomes more useful when you know what you will do if it is ignored. That may mean changing the subject, leaving at the time you named, or ending a call. If you depend on your mother financially or share caregiving responsibilities, you may need to plan changes more carefully.
Can I love my mother and still need distance?
Yes. Love and limits can exist in the same relationship. You can care about your mother and decide that certain conversations, visits, or expectations are too costly for you.
Distance doesn’t have to mean one particular thing. It might mean fewer calls, shorter visits, or sharing vulnerable experiences with people who respond more thoughtfully. For some women, it means a larger change in contact.
There is no single perfect decision every person should make. What matters is considering the relationship as it is, your circumstances, and what you can sustain.
You may also need space to grieve what happened, what was missing, and what you still wish could be different.
You can understand that your mother had her own struggles and still wish someone had paid more attention to yours.
How can therapy help with an emotionally immature mother?
Therapy can help you understand the relationship’s impact, practice boundaries, and make room for feelings you have learned to dismiss. You do not need your mother to agree with your experience before you can explore it.
In my practice, we might begin with something recent: a phone call, a comment, or a visit you are still replaying.
We slow down to notice what happened. What did you want to say? What stopped you? What did you feel afterward?
Somatic therapy brings attention to your physical experience as well as your thoughts. Perhaps your chest tightens when you imagine saying no, or you go blank when she is upset. We can notice those responses at a manageable pace and explore what helps you stay present.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), or parts work, offers a way to understand conflicting feelings. One part of you may want distance while another wants her approval. Another may feel angry that you are still trying so hard. We can make room for those experiences without rushing you toward a decision.
Attachment perspective helps us explore what you learned about needing people, disagreeing with them, and trusting your own feelings within a relationship.
If your history includes emotional neglect or childhood trauma, that can also be part of our conversations. Recognizing an emotionally immature parenting pattern does not, by itself, establish a trauma diagnosis.
Online therapy and therapy intensives for women in Illinois
I am Michaela Kozlik, LCPC. I offer online therapy for women throughout Illinois, including Chicago, with a focus on anxiety, trauma, burnout, perimenopause, and midlife changes.
If difficulties with your mother connect with earlier experiences of emotional neglect or harm, you can learn more about my approach to trauma therapy for women.
I also offer therapy intensives in Illinois. These extended sessions provide more time to stay with a particular concern, with breaks and attention to your pace. We can discuss whether that format makes sense for you and what preparation and follow-up support you might need.
You don’t have to show up knowing whether you want more closeness, more distance, or a different kind of relationship. We can begin with the conversation you keep replaying, the guilt you cannot quite shake, or the sadness of wanting your mother to know you better.
Schedule a free consultation to talk about what has been hard and see if I can help.
📞 773-343-5005 🌐 inpsychotherapy.com 📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Frequently Asked Questions About Relationships With Emotionally Immature Mothers
Why do I still feel hurt by my mother as an adult?
Being an adult doesn’t erase the wish to feel understood by your mother. If she continues to dismiss your feelings, criticize your choices, or make you responsible for her emotions, present interactions may also bring up earlier hurt. You can understand the pattern and still be affected by it.
What are the signs of an emotionally immature mother?
Common patterns include becoming defensive when you express hurt, expecting you to manage her feelings, dismissing your needs, and struggling to respect boundaries. What matters is the repeated pattern and whether she can acknowledge her impact and repair the relationship. Emotional immaturity is a descriptive term, not a psychiatric diagnosis.
Why is my relationship with my mother changing in midlife?
Midlife may bring changes in your priorities, caregiving responsibilities, and willingness to keep setting your needs aside. Raising children or caring for an aging mother can also give you a different perspective on your childhood. You may begin noticing experiences you previously accepted or minimized.
How do I set boundaries with my mother without feeling guilty?
You may feel guilty even when a boundary is reasonable, especially if you have spent years keeping the peace. Start with a specific limit you can maintain, such as how long you can visit or which subjects you are willing to discuss. You can consider her feelings while still taking your own needs seriously.
Can I improve the relationship if my mother refuses to change?
You may be able to change how you participate: what you share, how you respond, and how much contact you have. Mutual closeness and repair, however, require participation from both people. Therapy can help you consider what is possible and grieve what remains missing.
Can somatic therapy or IFS help with a difficult mother–daughter relationship?
Somatic therapy can help you explore physical responses such as tension, going blank, or feeling overwhelmed during interactions. Internal Family Systems (IFS), or parts work, can help you understand conflicting feelings—for example, wanting her approval while also needing distance. An attachment perspective can help you explore how early experiences influence your relationships today.
Do you offer therapy for women struggling with their mothers in Illinois?
Yes. I offer online therapy for women throughout Illinois, including Chicago, who are struggling with family relationships, anxiety, emotional neglect, childhood trauma, and midlife changes. My approach integrates somatic therapy, IFS, and attachment perspectives, depending on your needs.
Could a therapy intensive help me explore these patterns?
Therapy intensive offers extended time to focus on a concern, such as guilt around boundaries, longstanding attachment wounds and hurt, or conflicting feelings about contact with your mother. Whether it is a good fit depends on your needs, readiness, and available support. We can discuss weekly therapy and intensives during a free consultation.
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About Michaela
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Michaela Kozlik, LCPC — Licensed therapist in Illinois specializing in perimenopause, anxiety, trauma, and nervous system regulation for women. Offering individual therapy and therapy intensives virtually throughout Illinois.
📞 773-343-5005🌐 inpsychotherapy.com📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Serving women virtually across Illinois — Chicago, Evanston, Oak Park, Naperville, Wilmette, Hinsdale, Downers Grove, Schaumburg, Glenview, Libertyville, Rockford, Peoria, Springfield, Champaign, Aurora, Joliet, Elgin, Waukegan, Wheaton, Barrington, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Winnetka, Glencoe, Northbrook, Palatine, Arlington Heights, Skokie, Elmhurst, Lombard, Lisle, Bolingbrook, Orland Park, Tinley Park, Oak Lawn, Homewood and beyond.