You don’t have to be a “good” therapy client. You can show up without knowing what to say, come back to the same topic, or tell your therapist that something didn’t feel right. In experiential therapy, we can pay attention to what you feel and notice in the moment, even when you don’t have words for it yet. You and your therapist can talk about what’s helping, what needs to change, and what pace feels right for you.
By Michaela Kozlik, LCPC · Licensed therapist specializing in perimenopause, anxiety & trauma | Illinois
Sometimes the pressure to get things right follows you into therapy. You leave your session and start reviewing it in your head.
Did I talk too much? Did I avoid the important thing? Did I make sense? Does my therapist think I’m making progress?
Even in a space meant to support you, it can be hard to stop evaluating yourself.
There is no single right way to participate in therapy.
You can come to therapy without knowing what you need, how you feel, or where to start. You and your therapist can work that out together.
That sounds simple. But when you are used to being prepared, thoughtful, and aware of everyone else’s needs, it can take some getting used to.
When Therapy Becomes Another Thing to Get Right
For many women, being “good” has meant being easy to be around. Managing your feelings. Understanding someone else’s perspective. Asking for less. Keeping things moving even when you are exhausted.
Those habits don’t disappear when you sit down with a therapist.
You might find yourself organizing your story so it makes sense quickly. Softening your anger so you don’t sound unfair. Explaining why someone hurt you before you have had a chance to say how much it hurt.
You might even worry if your therapist enjoys working with you.
I’m interested in what happens in those moments. What feels risky about taking up time? What do you imagine might happen if you disappoint me? How much effort goes into making your experience understandable or acceptable to someone else?
You don’t need to stop doing these things before therapy can help. We can get curious about them together.
You Don’t Have to Make It Easy for Your Therapist
You might be very good at explaining yourself.
You can describe your childhood, recognize your patterns, and understand why other people behave the way they do. You can talk about something painful while also making sure you sound fair.
But somewhere in all that explaining, your own experience can get less attention.
You tell me why your partner was stressed before saying how lonely you felt. You describe how much your parents were dealing with before mentioning what you needed from them. You say, “It’s really not that bad,” even though it has been keeping you up at night.
There is room for the context. There is also room for how it was for you.
You don’t have to give me the most reasonable version of your feelings. We can spend some time with the anger, disappointment, or sadness before deciding what any of it means.
What If I Have Nothing to Talk About in Therapy?
You can start with, “I almost canceled because I didn’t think I had anything to say.” We can talk about that.
Or you can tell me about the conversation you keep replaying, how tired you have been, or the fact that everything seems fine but you don’t feel like yourself.
Sometimes you won’t have words yet. I might ask what you notice as we sit together. Are you holding your breath? Do you feel restless? Is there an urge to change the subject?
You don’t need to know the answers. I’m asking because I’m curious about your experience, and because talking is only one way we come to understand it.
You also don’t have to find something painful to make the session worthwhile. There is room to talk about what feels good, what you want more of, and what you are beginning to enjoy.
Understanding Yourself Doesn’t Mean You Can Immediately Change
“I know why I do this. Why am I still doing it?” This can be one of the most frustrating parts of therapy.
You may understand why you avoid conflict and still find yourself saying yes. You may recognize your inner critic and still believe it on a difficult day. You may know a relationship is painful and still feel attached.
That gap doesn’t make your insight meaningless.
Understanding a pattern and responding differently in the moment can involve different kinds of work. We may need to pay attention to the emotions, physical reactions, relationships, and practical circumstances that make change difficult.
I don’t want your growing awareness to become another reason to criticize yourself. Knowing more about yourself doesn’t mean you should suddenly find everything easy.
You Can Disagree With Your Therapist
I may misunderstand you. I may ask a question that doesn’t feel useful or offer an idea that doesn’t fit.
You can tell me.
And if you nod in the moment because disagreeing feels uncomfortable, you can come back the next week and say, “I’ve been thinking about what you said, and I don’t see it that way.”
I want to hear that.
The same goes for an exercise you don’t like, topic you are not ready to discuss, or a session that left you feeling disconnected.
You don’t have to protect me from knowing how the work feels to you.
For some women, being able to disagree and still be heard is an important experience in itself. It gives us a chance to understand what you need in a relationship while we are actually in one.
Some Sessions Will Feel More Useful Than Others
There may be days when something clicks. You say something out loud and realize you have never quite understood it that way before.
Other days, you talk about your week and leave without a clear sense of what happened.
You don’t need to judge the whole process by one session. But you also don’t have to convince yourself that therapy is helping if you’re not sure. We can talk about it.
Are we spending time on what matters to you? Do you want more direction? More room to talk? Are we moving too quickly, or staying with something that no longer feels useful?
Those are conversations we can have throughout therapy. You don’t have to wait until you are frustrated enough to leave.
Progress Might Show Up in Your Everyday Life
Sometimes change is obvious. You feel less anxious, you sleep better, or maybe even some relationships feel easier.
Sometimes you notice it in subtle ways….
You realize you are upset before saying, “It’s fine.”
You ask for help without first listing everything you have already tried.
You feel guilty about a boundary and let it stand anyway.
Or you have a really hard day and don’t turn it into a verdict on who you are.
These moments don’t necessarily mean everything is resolved. They can mean you have a little more choice in how you respond.
And if you don’t feel helped or supported, I want to know that too. You don’t have to keep showing up indefinitely while privately wondering whether anything is changing. We can talk about your goals, what feels useful, and what may need to shift. You deserve to have your boundaries respected, to understand how your therapist works, and to ask questions about the direction you are taking together.
Feeling challenged sometimes is different from feeling pressured or repeatedly dismissed. You are allowed to consider whether a therapist or an approach is a good fit for you.
What Would You Want Me to Understand?
If we took away the pressure to have a productive session, what would you want me to know?
Maybe you are tired of being the person everyone relies on and feeling like you’re never good enough. Maybe you don’t know what you want anymore. Maybe you are doing well in some parts of your life and struggling in ways other people don’t see.
You don’t have to turn that into a clear goal before we talk.
In my work with women, I want to understand what life feels like for you: what is hard, what matters, what you keep setting aside, and what you would like to be different.
If you are considering working with me, a consultation gives us a chance to talk about what you are looking for and if my approach feels right for you.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know if I’m doing therapy right?
You don’t need to prepare perfect answers or have a breakthrough every week. You can talk with your therapist about what you want help with, how the sessions feel, and if you are noticing useful changes. You don’t have to assess your progress alone.
What if I have nothing to talk about in therapy?
You can say that. You might begin with something from your week, how you have been feeling, or why it’s hard to know what to bring up. Your therapist can help you find a starting point.
Is it okay to talk about the same thing in every session?
Yes. Some experiences need more time and attention. But if you feel like you are going in circles, that matters too. Tell your therapist so you can explore what would make the work more helpful.
Do I have to talk about my past?
You can discuss what you are ready to explore and what you want support with now. If your therapist thinks your past may be relevant, you can ask why and talk together about how to approach it. You don’t have to share everything at once.
Can I tell my therapist that something is not helping?
Yes. You can ask for more direction, explain that an exercise doesn’t work for you, or say that you felt misunderstood. Your feedback helps your therapist understand your experience and gives you both a chance to make adjustments.
Schedule a free consultation here — no pressure or commitment, just a real conversation.
📞 773-343-5005 🌐 inpsychotherapy.com. 📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Perimenopause Therapy — Illinois
Trauma Therapy & Complex PTSD — Illinois
Michaela Kozlik, LCPC — Licensed therapist in Illinois specializing in perimenopause, anxiety, trauma, and nervous system regulation for women. Offering individual therapy and therapy intensives virtually throughout Illinois.
📞 773-343-5005🌐 inpsychotherapy.com📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Serving women virtually across Illinois — Chicago, Evanston, Oak Park, Naperville, Wilmette, Hinsdale, Downers Grove, Schaumburg, Glenview, Libertyville, Rockford, Peoria, Springfield, Champaign, Aurora, Joliet, Elgin, Waukegan, Wheaton, Barrington, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Winnetka, Glencoe, Northbrook, Palatine, Arlington Heights, Skokie, Elmhurst, Lombard, Lisle, Bolingbrook, Orland Park, Tinley Park, Oak Lawn, Homewood and beyond.