Going slowly in trauma therapy can mean spending time with the moment you wanted to say no, trying those words out loud, and seeing what it feels like when someone hears you and respects your answer. In experiential trauma therapy, we might use movement, parts work, or what happens between us in session to explore patterns you already understand but still find hard to change. You get a say in what we try and when we pause.
By Michaela Kozlik, LCPC · Licensed therapist specializing in perimenopause, anxiety & trauma | Illinois
You’re telling me about a conversation you’ve already replayed a dozen times. Someone asked you for a favor. You knew you didn’t have the time or energy, and you heard yourself say, “Sure, of course.”
By the time you bring it to therapy, you might already know why you said yes. You didn’t want to disappoint them. You worried they’d think you were selfish. You can even trace that worry back to a time when keeping someone happy made life a little easier.
And still, when someone asks you for a favor tomorrow, you might say yes again.
That’s where we might slow down. I’m curious about the moment you knew you wanted to say no and felt yourself about to say yes. There’s often a lot happening in those few seconds. And in therapy, we have time to find out what was happening for you and see what it feels like to have another choice.
What makes trauma therapy experiential?
Let’s say you tell me you wanted to say, “I can’t do that this week.” If you feel up for it, I might invite you to try saying those words to me.
You say, “I can’t do that this week,” and then you laugh. Or you immediately add, “Unless you really need me to.” Maybe you look at my face to see if I’m bothered.
We can get curious about that together. What did you expect me to do when you said no? What was the laugh doing for you? Did any part of you feel relieved to finally say it?
You might try it again and leave a little room after the sentence. You might decide the words don’t sound like you and find some that do. You might tell me the whole thing feels awkward and you’d rather stop. That last response matters too. You had a preference, you told me, and I listened. For someone who’s used to going along with things until they’re over, that can be a meaningful experience in itself.
How we might use movement, parts work, or drawing
Sometimes movement helps you find words. You might raise a hand to say “wait” and realize how unfamiliar it feels to interrupt someone. You might move your chair back a little and discover that it’s easier to speak when you have more space. We can explore what that brings up for you, including the impulse to move closer again so the other person won’t feel rejected.
Sometimes we use parts work. There might be a part of you that’s angry you keep saying yes and another that’s worried about what will happen if you stop. I might ask what each part wants you to understand. The angry part might be exhausted. The worried part might remember how long someone used to stay mad at you when you disappointed them. Once you hear both, it may make more sense why such a small request can feel like such a big decision.
If it’s hard to explain any of this in words, you might draw what the two parts feel like or put them on different sides of a page. Some days, conversation is where we do our best work. We follow what helps you get closer to what you’re experiencing.
What if paying attention to my body makes me anxious?
You can tell me, even if all you can say is, “I don’t like this.” Focusing on your breath or closing your eyes can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re already on edge. We can keep talking, look around the room, take a sip of water, or give ourselves a minute to figure out what would help.
Sometimes the first thing you notice is that you want to get the exercise right. You’re wondering how long you’re supposed to sit there, what you’re supposed to feel, and whether I can tell that you’re thinking about your grocery list. I’m interested in that, too. If you spend a lot of time figuring out what other people expect of you, it makes sense that you might do it here with me.
And if you don’t realize something felt like too much until after the session, you can tell me next time. We can talk about where it happened and what might help me check in with you sooner.
Sometimes the work is what happens between us
You might tell me that a question I asked felt intrusive. Or that you agreed to try something last week because you thought I wanted you to. It can take time to feel comfortable saying those things, especially if speaking up in other relationships has led to defensiveness, distance, or a long conversation where you ended up comforting the other person.
If you tell me I moved too quickly, we can talk about what I missed and adjust. You get to see what happens when you bring up something uncomfortable with me. We might stay with that conversation for a while because it matters how it feels to tell someone, “That didn’t work for me,” and still have room to be together.
Over time, you might notice a little of that showing up elsewhere. You hear yourself say, “Let me think about it,” before agreeing to help. You realize halfway through a conversation that you’re hurt and let yourself finish what you were saying. You still worry the other person might be disappointed, and you give yourself a moment to consider what you want anyway.
I’m Michaela Kozlik, LCPC. I offer online trauma therapy for women across Illinois and bring somatic therapy, parts work, and an attachment-informed approach into my sessions. If you are curious about working together, we can use a free 20-minute consultation to talk about what you’re looking for and what would help you feel comfortable getting started.
Learn more about trauma therapy for women in Illinois
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📞 773-343-5005 🌐 inpsychotherapy.com 📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Frequently asked questions
Do I have to tell you what happened in my first trauma therapy session?
You can start with what brought you in now. Maybe you’re exhausted from second-guessing every conversation, or you’ve noticed how quickly you go blank when someone gets upset with you. We can talk about what you’re dealing with today and what would help you feel comfortable working together. You can also tell me there are things you want to talk about eventually and need time before you go there.
What if I go blank when we get to something important?
Going blank can sometimes be a sign of dissociation. You might lose the thread of what you were saying, feel far away, or find it suddenly hard to put words together. We can pause right there. Sometimes it helps to have someone stay with you while you find your footing. I might slow my voice, give you more time between questions, or ask if you’d like to look around the room with me. That’s one way we can co-regulate in session.
We might also get curious about whether a protective part of you stepped in. When you feel more present, we can come back to what was happening just before you went blank. Maybe we were getting close to something that felt hard to say out loud. We can wonder what that part was trying to protect you from and what it might need from me before we go any further. Sometimes the answer is more time. Sometimes it’s knowing you can tell me, “That’s enough for today,” and I’ll hear you.
What if focusing on my body makes me more anxious?
Tell me, even if all you can say is, “I don’t like this.” We can look around the room, take a sip of water, or go back to talking. If you don’t notice much in your body, that’s okay too. We can start with what you do notice, even if it’s just that you want a little more space.
What if I don’t know when I need a pause?
Sometimes you only realize afterward that something felt like too much. You can bring that up next time. We can talk through what you remember and figure out what would help, like checking in sooner or agreeing on a simple way for you to signal that you need a minute.
Can we do experiential trauma therapy online?
Yes. Over video, we can practice saying something out loud, use a piece of paper for parts work, or experiment with a movement in the space you’re in. We can also work with what happens in our conversation. If you notice you’re getting overwhelmed and ask me to slow down, we can respond to that together right there.
📞 773-343-5005 🌐 inpsychotherapy.com 📧 Michaela@inpsychotherapy.com
Trauma Therapy & Complex PTSD — Illinois
Perimenopause Therapy — Illinois
Michaela Kozlik, LCPC — Licensed therapist in Illinois specializing in complex PTSD, attachment trauma, anxiety, perimenopause, and nervous system regulation for women. Offering individual therapy and therapy intensives virtually throughout Illinois.
Virtual therapy for women across all of Illinois — including Chicago, Evanston, Oak Park, Naperville, Wilmette, Hinsdale, Downers Grove, Schaumburg, Glenview, Libertyville, Rockford, Peoria, Springfield, Champaign, Aurora, Joliet, Elgin, Waukegan, Wheaton, Barrington, Lake Forest, Highland Park, Northbrook, Arlington Heights, Elmhurst, Orland Park and beyond.